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The Cannibal List

This has nothing to do with kink or sex or any of that. This is just a list of things I may or may not have said that give people the impression that I might in fact be a cannibal.

I am not a cannibal. Just so we’re clear.

 

“What do you want for breakfast?”
“Soylent green”

“All I’m saying is if we skinned him, we couldn’t make brother cracklins. There’s no fat there.”

“No, those are not human shins in the freezer. Where would I get human shins?”

“Mmm…human flesh. Wait, no, human isn’t kosher.”

“Yeah? Well your face is full of protein.”

“Honey, how do you prevent kreutzfeld-jakob or kuru?”
“Don’t eat people.”
“I meant other than that.”

“Do you have any idea how impractical it would be to butcher a whole human? We barely have enough room in the freezer for three steaks and two pounds of chicken!”

“Things were going well, we were talking, we were flirting…”
“She thinks you’re a cannibal, doesn’t she.”
“Yes! Why does this keep happening?”

“No! That meat tenderizer is for use on human only!”

“Of course I would eat at a deli called Ugolino’s. What’s the problem?”

“It is a new ice age! We will have to resort to cannibalism.”

“You know, one advantage of grinding your own meat is that no one can tell for sure what it was before it went through the grinder.”

“It’s just such a fine line between innuendo about oral sex and threat of cannibalism. I was a little too close there, may have crossed it. These things happen!”

“I’m pretty sure she’d fit in the oven. You know, if you ever want to go Hansel and Gretel on her.”

“Look, I’m not saying it’s person, I’m just saying that butchered flesh sans hands, feet, or face…would you be able to tell?”

“No food is blue.”
“What about those blue people in Alabama? The inbred hill folk. I mean, if you were a cannibal.”
“I feel like if I were a cannibal I would have more discerning taste.”

“Firstborn children go best with a béarnaise.”

“I’m not kissing her, there’s probably like human flesh caught in her teeth”
“Oy! I just brushed my teeth.”
“That’s your only objection?”

“Don’t worry, he’ll be fine. Everyone knows my people only eat Christian babies; your atheist spawn is safe!”

“So I told him a foot rub really just wasn’t going to do anything for me. I mean, welcome to try and all, but unless he’s tenderizing them for the grill he’s not going to accomplish much.”

“Nah, he’s too little to snorkel. Hasn’t learned about not aspirating water yet. Anyway, he’s barely an hors d’oeuvre.”
“…”
“For a shark. If there were sharks in the keys, which there are. He’s more like a four-person main course for humans.”

“Are you biting me?”
[muffled]”No.”
“It *feels* like you’re biting me.”
“Absolutely not. Eating is similar to, but distinct from biting.”

“Why would I mind you spending the night?”
“I dunno, you might be worried that if I’m loose in the house while you’re asleep I will kill you and roast your parts?”
“I’m not.”
“Well that’s awfully trusting of you.”

And finally (though this one is a bit unfair):

“I’m not a cannibal! Honest!”

I’m not allowed to wonder why people think I’m a cannibal anymore.

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Categories: Uncategorized Tags: , ,
  1. May 14, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    I don’t believe you.

    • May 14, 2014 at 9:14 pm

      But…but…..

      Oh, just eat a Popsicle already, would you?

  2. May 14, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    Hee! That is fantastic :D

    • May 15, 2014 at 11:43 am

      Something like that. Maybe it’s time to move the books about cannibalism back with the cookbooks and freak people out again…

      • May 15, 2014 at 11:45 am

        You. Are. An emotional sadist.

        Possibly we should talk about this some time.

      • May 15, 2014 at 11:58 am

        Emotional sadist? Moi? My girlfriend is terrified of fish. I’m trying to plan a date at the aquarium.

        I’m a reaction junkie. Fear and disgust (and physical pain) tend to elicit relatively strong and uninhibited reactions, so yeah, I’m a fan.

  3. May 14, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    So, um, once upon a time there was a website for people who had a kink for seeing women portrayed as food. It was called something like Miyaki’s Kitchen. Do I get the impression you might have enjoyed their photos?

    • May 15, 2014 at 11:10 am

      *laugh* I don’t get off on cannibalism, I swear! It’s a morbid fascination, not a kink!

  4. May 14, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    I once hit on a guy online by joking about flaying him and wearing his skin like a suit, so I’m in no position to judge.

    (He ended up coming over and fucking me for a weekend. We’re still in touch.)

    • May 15, 2014 at 11:42 am

      That is fucking hot. Internet high five!

      A lover once asked why I couldn’t just escalate play until it was enough to satiate desire. My reply included the line “I want to taste flesh and fear, to curl my bloody fingers around your liver, scrape my tendons over your bones like a bow across a violin.”

      Finally got him to admit that I’m scary, so that’s a plus?

      • May 15, 2014 at 11:47 am

        Ohhhh that is hot as fuck. <3

        This is not nearly so poetic, but once while lying in bed post-coitally with Minx I asked "Have you ever found someone so hot that you kind of want to kill them just so they’re used up and there’s nothing to obsess on anymore?”

        I was seriously asking!!! I wasn’t trying to be creepy!!! But she replied “You’re scaring me, Cowgirl” and things were awkward for a while.

        In retrospect that should have been a big red flag for incompatibility.

      • May 15, 2014 at 12:10 pm

        There’s a Nabokov story called Music that we read back in undergrad. My favorite bit: “She was velvet-soft all over, one longed to gather her up the way one could gather up a foal and its folded legs. Embrace her and fold her. And then what? What could one do to possess her completely? I love your liver, your kidneys, your blood cells. To this she would reply, “don’t be disgusting””

        When we discussed this in class almost everyone agreed: that’s disgusting. And then there was me, thinking this is such a perfect expression of love, how could she just throw it in his face like that?

        So yeah, I don’t think that’s creepy at all. I think it’s a kind of intensity most people are profoundly uncomfortable with. Which is a shame because it is fucking amazing.

      • May 15, 2014 at 12:23 pm

        Oh, that passage is beautiful. I’m so glad there are people like you and Nabokov to express these sorts of things. <3

      • May 15, 2014 at 12:17 pm

        VALENTINE
        By John Fuller

        The things about you I appreciate
        May seem indelicate:
        I’d like to find you in the shower
        And chase the soap for half an hour.
        I’d like to have you in my power
        And see your eyes dilate.
        I’d like to have your back to scour
        And other parts to lubricate.
        Sometimes I feel it is my fate
        To chase you screaming up a tower
        Or make you cower
        By asking you to differentiate
        Nietzsche from Schopenhauer.
        I’d like successfully to guess your weight
        And win you at a fête.
        I’d like to offer you a flower.

        I like the hair upon your shoulders,
        Falling like water over boulders.
        I like the shoulders, too: they are essential.
        Your collar-bones have great potential
        (I’d like all your particulars in folders
        Marked Confidential).

        I like your cheeks, I like your nose,
        I like the way your lips disclose
        The neat arrangement of your teeth
        (Half above and half beneath)
        In rows.

        I like your eyes, I like their fringes.
        The way they focus on me gives me twinges.
        Your upper arms drive me berserk.
        I like the way your elbows work,
        On hinges.

        I like your wrists, I like your glands,
        I like the fingers on your hands.
        I’d like to teach them how to count,
        And certain things we might exchange,
        Something familiar for something strange.
        I’d like to give you just the right amount
        And get some change.

        I like it when you tilt your cheek up.
        I like the way you nod and hold a teacup.
        I like your legs when you unwind them.
        Even in trousers I don’t mind them.
        I like each softly-moulded kneecap.
        I like the little crease behind them.
        I’d always know, without a recap,
        Where to find them.

        I like the sculpture of your ears.
        I like the way your profile disappears
        Whenever you decide to turn and face me.
        I’d like to cross two hemispheres
        And have you chase me.
        I’d like to smuggle you across frontiers
        Or sail with you at night into Tangiers.
        I’d like you to embrace me.

        I’d like to see you ironing your skirt
        And cancelling other dates.
        I’d like to button up your shirt.
        I like the way your chest inflates.
        I’d like to soothe you when you’re hurt
        Or frightened senseless by invertebrates.

        I’d like you even if you were malign
        And had a yen for sudden homicide.
        I’d let you put insecticide
        Into my wine.

        I’d even like you if you were the Bride of Frankenstein
        Or something ghoulish out of Mamoulian’s Jekyll and Hyde.
        I’d even like you as my Julian
        Of Norwich or Cathleen ni Houlihan.
        How melodramatic
        If you were something muttering in attics
        Like Mrs Rochester or a student of Boolean mathematics.

        You are the end of self-abuse.
        You are the eternal feminine.
        I’d like to find a good excuse
        To call on you and find you in.
        I’d like to put my hand beneath your chin.
        And see you grin.
        I’d like to taste your Charlotte Russe,
        I’d like to feel my lips upon your skin,
        I’d like to make you reproduce.

        I’d like you in my confidence.
        I’d like to be your second look.
        I’d like to let you try the French Defence
        And mate you with my rook.
        I’d like to be your preference
        And hence
        I’d like to be around when you unhook.
        I’d like to be your only audience,
        The final name in your appointment book,
        Your future tense.

        (Please feel free to delete if concerned about copyright)

  5. May 14, 2014 at 11:13 pm

    You’re totally a cannibal jk, love the list though, it’s hilarious

    • May 15, 2014 at 11:42 am

      Nonsense; people aren’t kosher :)

      • May 15, 2014 at 10:24 pm

        Fair enough, we do have to keep kosher.

      • May 15, 2014 at 10:59 pm

        *grin* I’m not really a practicing Jew anymore, but I still keep kosher. Old habits I guess.

      • May 16, 2014 at 2:01 am

        I can understand that. I’m agnostic more than anything else, but we still don’t really eat much pork at the house.

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