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Peculiar Personal Performance

“The problem with playing at the club is that I can’t fuck you.”

His breathing is ragged. He speaks in a quiet growl that makes me want to growl back. I grind my hips against his. The tension has us wound impossibly tight. We’re playing hard, even for me. I’ll have bruises for a month, mottled garters around both thighs. My legs are shaking from the effort of staying upright while they swell and I don’t care. I don’t want it to stop.

I know this moment. It’s still violent, always violent, but the topology has changed. We’re so still, after all my twisting and writhing under his blows. He’s feeling along my edges but my surface isn’t orientable. If he wants inside he’ll have to break me. I almost want him to.

The problem with playing at the club is that I can’t fuck you.

Yes, it’s a problem. It wasn’t a problem until he said it; I was giddy with tension before but now it’s insistent, focused. If we were at his place he’d be fucking me now. He’d be pinning me down with a hand on my throat. He’d be telling me how much I want him with that smug look that I can’t even call arrogant even though he’s wrong; I want him so much more. And I’d be arrogant, too, if he teased, sure that he wouldn’t hold back for long.

But we’re not there. This tension has nowhere to go and now that he’s said it it’s the only thing in my mind.

He rakes his fingers across bruised skin, covers my mouth with his when I gasp. This isn’t kissing. I’m being consumed, voice and lips and skin and anything-you-want disappearing into him.

He puts a hand on my cheek, looks me in the eye. “I want to make you come.”

“God yes.” I’m surprised, later, that I didn’t hesitate at all. I’m not an exhibitionist, not really. Orgasm is intimate. It belongs to me, to my partner. It’s ours. I’m greedy for it and jealous of it and no I don’t care who’s watching, not really, but it isn’t for them and I’m not going to share.

I’m on the edge from kissing and from pain. He isn’t gentle. He shoves his fingers into me, rough and hard and perfect. His eyes stay focused on mine. I’m trying not to scream, not to draw attention. Trying to draw this out, if I can.

He whispers. “Come for me.” I turn my head, sink my teeth into the back of my forearm to keep from crying out. I nearly lose my balance. Too many nerves firing all at once in overwhelming contradiction of pain and yes and ohGod.

He pulls my arm away when I regain my footing. “I want to see your face when you come. I want to hear you scream. Can you do that for me?” I nod. I can’t answer aloud. He’s good with his hands, or good with me. I’m moaning again in seconds, low and soft at first, but rising fast. My hand flies up to cover my mouth. I remember not to before it gets there. He smiles. “Not yet.”

Fuck. Hell. Fuck. I exhale slowly. Refocus. Not on the pressure of his fingers inside me, or–oh God. Refocus. Math? I’ve gone past math. Words. Three syllables, beginning with P. Palimpsest. Petrichor. Priory. Pleiades. Please. Please. “Please.”

He shakes his head. He’s hoping I can’t hold back. He’s arrogant enough to think he can make me come when I’m trying not to. I’m contrary enough, proud enough, to refuse. But God, I’m close. Palmetto. Pinniped. Piranha. Predator. Like him, predatory, eyes on mine with all the smug fierceness of a cat staring down cornered prey. “Oh, fuck, please–” Refocus. Preamble. Portentious. Predicament. No, that’s four. Persistent. Pretentious. P– P– P–. I can’t think anymore, can’t see straight, can’t remember enough words to pull away from sensation. “Please.” If he says no, I still have the emergency brakes. I can control this. It may not be worth it. Employ that tactic and I may not be able to orgasm at all for days.

I don’t have to decide. He’s nodding, that smug grin still playing across his face. “Come for me.”

I don’t close my eyes. Don’t look away. Try not to think of how ridiculous my face must look, how ragged my breathing, whether I need to be quieter. His expression has turned gentle. He straightens to pull me into his arms and I let him. In these heels I can rest my chin on the top of his head, but somehow I feel small. Almost dazed. He whispers “thank you” and I smile.

The problem with playing at the club isn’t such a problem, not really.

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  1. April 24, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    Wonderful post: intimate, hot, visceral. LOVE!

  2. April 25, 2014 at 7:47 am

    … oh wow. Scorching.

    And just by coincidence, I had scheduled a tweet about the hotness of your switching and threesomes post to go out tonight. I guess anyone who follows up on it will get more than I originally planned!

    You’re really helping this boring straight sub who doesn’t play in public to see over her boundaries.

    • April 25, 2014 at 11:05 am

      *blush* thank you!

      You’re really helping this boring straight sub who doesn’t play in public to see over her boundaries.

      I am glad that you enjoy seeing things outside your boundaries. That said, I hope you realize they aren’t boring. You’re straight? You’d be either bored or uncomfortable in a non-straight sexual context. You don’t play in public? I assume you made that decision for a reason. Your boundaries are only boring if you’re bored with them. On the other hand, if straight, submissive, and the intimacy of keeping play behind closed doors is what excites you, that’s awesome! Enjoy the hell out of it, doesn’t sound boring at all.

      • April 25, 2014 at 6:44 pm

        Ooh! I made you blush!

        Maybe I should clarify that that was intended as a compliment, not a cry for help? We seem to have different expectations about self-deprecation. If someone were feeling guilty about her privileged conventionality, I would definitely hope she had the good luck to be reassured by you, but I quite agree with you that that would be a waste of perfectly good guilt.

        Having said that, the reason why I love your blog is that you make me question my conventionality. By translating your experience into words that I can relate to, you remind me to ask myself why I’m not having those experiences. Maybe I wouldn’t find them as boring or uncomfortable as I thought.

        Or maybe you’re just a damn good writer?

      • April 25, 2014 at 9:25 pm

        “Damn good writer”? Now you’ve made me blush twice!

        Questioning values and boundaries &c is something I maybe do too much of. Sometimes it leads to reinforcing the decisions I’ve already made, sometimes it leads to trying new things. Some things I can appreciate but will damn sure never try (e.g. I don’t ski). Doesn’t much matter, there’s almost always something that can come out of looking at things from a new angle. Plus, overthinking! All the things, all the time!

      • April 25, 2014 at 9:32 pm

        :-) When I started my first job, they asked me for a personal motto to feature in the newsletter, and I said, “Question everything. Don’t lose the answers.” But new questions are still good.

        Now I’m talking in platitudes. I’ll shut up and go to bed before I start reciting motivational posters.

  3. April 26, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Hot! Sounds like a perfect night out.

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