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I did have a chat with the security guard. I asked her for advice on getting fit, she asked me much the same about keeping thin. After a few minutes of talking diet and exercise I joked that between the two of us we’d make one whole healthy person.

There was possible flirting–she was overly complimentary of my hair and vest, and I think I saw her do a wedding ring check. She asked if she could friend me on Facebook and I gave her my name (she hasn’t, and I don’t expect her to).

Since my friend was interested in the whole situation, I let him know we’d chatted. He asked if I’d made a move.

Thing is, I’d never planned to. The fear of talking to this woman had nothing to do with rejection as a partner, but fear of attack if she realized attraction existed. (Also, general crippling anxiety. Let’s don’t forget that part.)

When I say I’m not slutty, people laugh. Maybe they’re right and I don’t understand the word. But I’m pretty discerning about partners. Attraction is not sufficient for me to want to ask someone out. I don’t feel the need to pursue everyone I’m attracted to, even if we spark well. It’s no different from being able to walk into a bakery and not eat lime pie and a brownie and a slice of red velvet cake. If I didn’t have the restraint to limit myself, it’d be irresponsible to play the game at all.

It seems that some folk think of polyamory that way though: as a justification for glutting oneself on relationships (or just sex). I see my nonmonogamy very differently. It’s knowing that when I go to the bakery I don’t have to get the lime pie every time just because someone else said so, but I don’t feel compelled to get one of everything and run laughing into the street with my hoard of sweets, either. A few stable relationships is a more desirable situation. And though I’m nonmonogamous, I can be happy when that few is just one. It isn’t about the number of partners or someone not being “enough” or anything else. It’s about having the right to choose.

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