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Moments Alone

I’m usually perfectly fine when Spouse goes out and I stay home. He’s the nearly codependent one, the one who needs two days’ notice when I have a date so that he has time to make arrangements of his own.

Tonight Spouse went out. I had a date with the Techie but it fell through. I thought it was fine, a chance to enjoy some country music (no one else I know can stand it), read, waste time on the Internet.

About two hours ago I got a phone call. A family member committed suicide. We were not close. Even so, the air felt too still after I hung up the phone. There were other calls to make. Brief, quiet condolences to the people who would be hit hardest. Check that certain people who ought not to be alone have someone to stay with them. And then there’s nothing I can do. I’m several states away, not crying and feeling a bit guilty about it.

My relationship to suicide is volatile. There’s a chance I’ll think too much about other phone calls, other days, and this calm won’t hold. I suppose it would be smart to call Spouse, ask him if he can cut things short. I won’t. Partly because I’m a functional adult. I do not need to cause worry and stress and ruin his evening just in case I might want attention. Mainly, though, I find it very comforting that he’s out having fun. I like that there’s laughter and drinking and ridiculous video games that I’ll get to hear about when he gets home. It’s a reminder that not everyone is miserable and depressed.

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