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Party Politics

There’s a party tomorrow night. It’s one I’ve been keeping an eye on since it was first suggested, and I did bounce and squee a bit when the event listing finally popped up on Fet:

[Local Club] is pleased to be host to a FemDom party, where self-identified female dominants and all submissives are welcome to attend and feel comfortable at a party geared toward FemDomdom in all its glory! If you are a male switch, please wear your bottom hat for the evening.

Regular membership requirements apply, if you need an orientation please get in touch with me to make arrangements. We will be as accommodating as possible because we want everyone to have to opportunity to come out and play! Doors will open at 8:30 to allow for everyone to get all dolled up before the party, which begins at 9!

The event listing seems pretty clear about who is and is not welcome to attend. So of course there’s a male dom who wants in on it. At first glance it looked like a reasonable request (to the misguided woman who initially told him, “sure, why not?” anyway): the submissive woman he’s in a relationship with had arranged a scene with a female dominant at this party, and he wanted to be there as an observer/in case she needed him. He stressed that he was not interested in attending the party as a dominant, and offered to work the door to keep out of the way for part of the night.

There are so many “why nots” to this request that I don’t even know where to start.

Let’s start with working the door. Here we have a male dominant who wants to be the first face that people actually attending the party will see when they arrive. This tells guests arriving what, exactly? That female dominants are not able to run an event without a male dom there to help? That even though the event specified no male doms in the description (thus bringing in some people who might be uncomfortable around male doms) we made an exception and put him in a position where everyone coming in the door is required to speak to him? That we do not, in fact, care to work to create the environment that we advertise for the length of a single night? I can’t think of a single positive way for a person to interpret his presence at the door.

Second, simple etiquette. Sorry folks, but I’m a Southern girl. A man who sees he’s not invited to a party and can’t take that with grace is a boor and a bully, no way around it. If he can’t respect the invitation, there’s no reason to expect he’d respect any other rules of the evening.

Third, claiming he’s “not attending as a dominant” is disingenuous at best. He wants to be there to control the environment of a scene for his partner while expecting another woman to service top her. That’s exerting dominance and making female dominance of another female all about his male fantasy. If that doesn’t completely break down the entire point of a Femdom party, I don’t know what would.

Fourth, claiming he needs to be there for his partner at all. This one may be dicey for some people, and I understand that some relationships do work such that this level of power exchange is acceptable. If I misread their relationship and that’s the case, fine. That doesn’t mean that Mr. Male Dom here gets to go to the party. It means that this scene should occur at any of the frequent kink events that welcomes the presence of male doms, and that both of them ought to eschew this particular event. In this case? She had enough freedom to arrange the scene, is a competent adult (yes, submissive people are whole human beings, who knew?), and will be surrounded by friends and supporters should she need care. Saying “my sub needs me around” suggests that either she is not competent (therefore should not be playing with anyone) or that the top she negotiated a scene with is not competent (go ahead and insult her. I’ll watch from a safe distance.) Whether he means to or not, it looks an awful lot like he’s saying that these women are not able to play without his supervision. It’s demeaning to both of them, and to every other woman in the room besides.

The point of a Femdom party is to let those of us women who like to top and/or dominate men have a chance to do so without interference, judgement, or critique from male doms. It’s to provide an opportunity for us switch girls to walk into a room and for once not have every man in the room, dom or sub, assume that we’re submissive (meaning that a female switch is only every approached at parties by tops). It gives us a space to top knowing that at the end of the scene no “helpful” maledom is going to try to give the silly girl who thought she could be a big bad domme a patronizing lesson in punching or wielding a switch. The point is to give us a party where the douchiest of the male doms can’t weasel in to make it their own. Watching scenes, commenting, and objectifying out behavior when we don’t want them there is devaluing the idea that female dominant and all submissive sexualities have any value except as fantasy fuel for make doms.

When the ratio of maledom to Femdom in our scene is lower than 10:1, maybe this kind of segregated party won’t need to happen, but until then, it would be nice to have the support of the male doms in creating a space for all kinky orientations, not just the ones that get the male doms off.

I rarely top in public– I’ve done only two proper scenes and a few “hey I’m bored and over energized, let me punch you for 5 minutes” in the club. After every instance, a male dom has approached to correct my technique. People come up to express shock that I “do the switch thing.” It’s treated as an aberration even among this group of aberrants, and I find the attention unnerving. I don’t mind general kink, bastards and morons included, being present at a general kink party. This is a Femdom party. It’s fair to tell people who can’t engage in kink with or as a female dominant not to attend. It’s the same thing we’d expect of someone who specialized in military interrogation scenes and wanted to go to a littles’ hang out. Or anyone in their 40s attending a TNG munch. No one is saying that M/f or interrogation or kink over 40 is invalid. We’re simply drawing lines around specific events for specific things.

I’m pissed as hell even though it’s just one guy. I’m pissed even though everyone of every gender and orientation immediately jumped in to explain in no uncertain terms that he was neither invited nor welcome to this event. I’m pissed even though he will not be there, even though it’s remarkable to see every governing member of this club come together and tell him “no.”

I’m so damn pissed because by making this an issue, by reading the event details and deciding “that doesn’t apply to me, for I am Domly Dom and I am special,” he’s made my attendance to this party at least partly a statement of social politics. It shouldn’t be. It should just be fun. I should be writing about the exciting things I keep getting into–how my clit ring almost got swallowed, how incredibly tender sadism can be, new discoveries about ears. I don’t want to deal with politics in my sex life. I just want to enjoy it.

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  1. writingthebody
    April 24, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    I agree with you of course. We do not have many such spaces, and the idea that someone would correct your way of punching someone is frankly off the planet. Respect is needed all round. Nice seeing your posts….I missed you.

    • gingernic
      April 24, 2013 at 10:57 pm

      I’d like to be clear that I don’t have a problem with advice on technique: education is one of the best reasons to be involved in the community. It’s the macho posturing and corrections from people who do not know any more than I do. I ask for advice often, and not infrequently from the many fantastic male doms I know. Advice rocks! Unsolicited and wrong advice, not so much.

      The party went quite well, and will be repeated, which I am glad for. It’s good to have a theme sometimes, even if it does mean excluding some good people.

      • writingthebody
        April 25, 2013 at 3:29 am

        Totally agree with you…..over advising is a fault of mine I must admit….but I will work on that.

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